If a pit bull romances your leg, fake an orgasm.
- - -Hut Landon

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.
- - -G. K. Chesterton

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly . . . very slowly.
- - -Gypsy Rose Lee

If it doesn't fit, you must acquit.
- - -Johnnie L. Cochran, Jr.

If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
- - -Linda Furney

If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
- - -Dan Quayle

If you can't convince them, confuse them.
- - -Harry S Truman

If you can't be kind, at least be vague.
- - -Judith Manners

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
- - -George Carlin

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
- - -Bobby Slayton

If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.
- - -Rush

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.
- - -Bobcat Goldthwait

If you have to be in a soap opera try not to get the worst role.
- - -Boy George

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.
- - -Katherine Hepburn

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says : "I'm cheap!"
- - -Delta Burke

If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.
- - -Norm Crosby

If you're there before it's over, you're on time.
- - -James Walker