本帖最后由 Alex_rcpilot 于 2009-1-13 19:36 编辑
打开Yahoo信箱，发现M.I的朋友发来一篇囧文。
翻译得不是很好，见谅:y34:
原文更搞，在中文下面
*注：我觉得没必要移到两性区里。看版主怎么决定吧。
正文：
我喜欢猫，但我觉得这小东西太没谱。这段故事让我更加深信猫是阴险的生灵。
先不说爱不爱猫，这事太叫人崩溃了。宠物都会给人惹些麻烦，但是我想没人会比我更惨烈的了。
我怕打电话跟老板请假。因为不管拿出多合情合理的借口，我总能感觉到老板认为我在说谎。
最近一次，尽管我有正当的理由去请假，但我还是撒谎了，因为实情太它娘的难以启齿了。我只说脑袋受伤了，希望第二天感觉好点就去上班。那会儿我想过，可以编造一个事故来解释头上的纱布。意外发生的主要原因是我屈从了老婆的愿望，收养了一只可爱的小猫咪。一开始这位新客人没给我们添什么麻烦。
接下来，一天早晨。我吃完早餐后，正在卫生间里淋浴。内人Deb在厨房里吼我：
“宝贝儿，水池的垃圾粉碎机又不动了。过来帮我复位一下。”
“你知道按钮在哪儿，”我透过哗啦啦的水声和浓密的雾气抗议道：“你自己去复位嘛。”
“可是我害怕！”她执意叫我：“要是转起来把我绞进去了呢？”
她有意停顿了一下，接着说：“C'mon，就占用你一秒钟。”
于是我湿漉漉地出去了，滴着水，光着屁股，指望这副气愤的裸男形象能显出此刻她在我眼里有多胆小。
我大声叹了口气，蹲下身把脑袋伸进水槽下面去找按钮。这是记忆中我做过的最后一个动作。
猝不及防之时，意外袭来，对我的裸体处境全然不留任何情面——不是我被垃圾粉碎机的铁齿钢牙嚼碎，而是我们新来的小猫咪。她瞥见了我两腿之间那摆来摆去的有趣物体。她原本悠闲地待在角落里，在我探身钻进水槽下面的时候她突然注意到了我。也就是恰好在我最最不堪一击的那一刻，她跳到我无意间袒露出来的那对玩具跟前，用她那尖锐无比的利爪狠狠地挠了上去。我的顿时失去了协调身体的能力，不顾下身仍挂着整整一只猫咪的重量，不顾一切地迅速直起身来。
野生动物有时会面临着生死悠关的处境，产生激烈的条件反射，或抗拒，或规避。男人，处在这样窘境中的男人只会选择规避。这是经验之谈。水槽和橱柜在我起身规避
那阵痛感时硬生生地把我撞了回去。
这下子把我撞昏死过去了。
我醒来的时候，老婆跟一帮医护人员围在旁边。
这辈子再没有比这更糗的事了：光着屁股躺在厨房的地板上，身边站着一群对现场一览无余、对我的身体指手画脚的医护人员。
更郁闷的是，在听过我老婆详细的描述之后，那帮人干活时鼻子里都喘着粗气，自始至终都想强忍住大笑……却又没怎么忍住。
也不知道我怎么熬过来的，过了几天我终于回到办公室了，同事们都围着我打听脑袋上的伤怎么来的。我守口如瓶，表示太疼了说不出口，也TM 确实太疼了。
“怎么了？”他们都问我，“舌头被猫叼去了？”
他们怎么能体会到！
I like cats, I just don't trust them fully. It's stories like this that
reenforces my view that cats are insidious creatures.
Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical! We've all had trouble with our
animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my
excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a
head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I
reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my
head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to
adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter
and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely
cowardly.
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the
button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No,
it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was
our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied
hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as
I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable,
she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily
movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a
kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in
this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from
experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet
bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying
on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that'
paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to
suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to
the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my
head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which
it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew! |
查看ip
发表于 2009-1-13 18:41:43
提升卡
置顶卡
变色卡
楼主
发表于 2009-1-13 21:30:59
